Strong for too long
by rokeat
Summary: After Finn's death, Kurt is grateful Blaine has been there for him unconditionally, being strong for both of them. But he has failed to notice no one has been there for Blaine. And he is hurting too.


_Well, here's my first attempt at Glee. I didn't intend for it to be this long, but well... it sort of happened! I hope you don't get too bored and read until the end!_

* * *

Kurt couldn't believe it had already been three weeks since Finn's funeral, he thought as he finished packing to once again make his way back to Lima. The time had passed so slowly and so fast at the same time it almost felt like a dream.

He had spent the first week at home, with his father and Carol. It was a very difficult time and he needed his family as much as they needed him. He knew Carol, the one who was suffering the most, felt a little better taking care of him –and Blaine, whenever he was around, trying to help– just to feel like she would still be a mother after losing his own child.

Of course Blaine had been at his side almost all the time, spending even the nights with him, just holding him in his arms until he fell asleep. Kurt doubted he would have been able to make it without the silent and unconditional support of his boyfriend. Blaine always knew what Kurt needed before even Kurt knew.

The second week had been the worst of all: reality had hit him with force when he had finally understood he was never going to see his brother again. Suddenly staying in the house they had shared had become too much and he had felt the need to escape and return to New York. Blaine had begged him not to, wanting to be with him until he was feeling better, but no words could convince him, not even those of the boy he loved with all his heart. As grateful and guilty as he felt for Blaine's worries, it only took him a day to pack his things and be off.

He only had to arrive to his apartment to realise he had made a mistake: he needed Blaine to make it all better, to put his arms around him and tell him that everything was going to be alright. But he wasn't there, and that was the most difficult night of all.

When Blaine appeared suddenly at the door of his apartment the next day, Kurt almost couldn't believe his eyes and had to hug him with all his forces to make sure he was real. Blaine explained he had made a mistake letting him go –poor thing, he was even feeling guilty although it hadn't been his decision– and that he needed to be there for Kurt, as everything was still too fresh. When Kurt complained about Blaine falling behind on his studies, Blaine dismissed it, arguing that he was so worried about his boyfriend that he couldn't actually do anything useful, and that a week out wasn't going to make him fall behind –Kurt knew that was true, Blaine was a very good student and one week wasn't going to change that. Plus he was so grateful and happy to have him back in his arms that he didn't insist for him to go back to Lima.

Blaine proved to be a saviour and an angel for a whole week, not once asking anything out of Kurt but giving him everything he needed or wanted until he started to get better. Thanks to the strength Blaine gave him, Kurt made peace with himself and promised himself to put all that sorrow behind him as he was sure Finn would have wanted. He had mourned him as he needed, and now it was time to look ahead and start walking again. As much as he would hate to see him leave, it was time for Blaine to go back to his own life and Kurt told him so. Blaine, of course, didn't want to even hear about it, claiming that Kurt might still need him, but only a text from Mr. Schuester telling him he needed all of them for something special finally convinced him it was time to go back.

Only one day after leaving, Blaine phoned Kurt to explain what Mr. Schuester had in mind: a week of tribute for Finn, to which every former member of the Glee club would be welcome and their presence appreciated. Kurt hesitated for a second, as he had promised himself to not dwell on Finn's loss any longer. But it was not about that: it was about paying him respect the best way they knew how. And he didn't want to disappoint Blaine, who seemed to be so willing to have him near again, after everything he had done for him. So he promised his boyfriend he would be there in two days, and that's why he found himself packing once again at the moment.

* * *

Kurt was glad so many of the former members of the glee club had been there for the tribute week, and some of them, like Mercedes or Puck, had even taken the courage to sing a song for him. From the beginning he had known he wasn't able to do it, but had been surprised when Blaine told him he wasn't going to sing either. Blaine was always the first one to participate in everything that came up, sometimes being so enthusiastic Kurt could hardly follow him. But Kurt just supposed he had been too busy taking care of him and hadn't had the time to get anything ready.

Everyone knew the most difficult song to hear would be Rachel's, who had come all the way from New York on the last day. They had been soulmates for so long –even if they hadn't been dating at the time– that it was hard to imagine one without the other. The pain was so palpable in Rachel's face, about to bravely sing in front of everyone, that for a moment Kurt feared his resolution of putting his pain behind him and go on would fade and he would break down right there.

But he was not going to. Kurt could see Tina's shoulders shaking in the front row. He could hear Mercedes quiet sobs next to him. Even the endless rivers of tears falling from Rachel's eyes as she sang were not enough to cause any wetness in his eyes. It was not that he was not being moved by the situation: he was, and he would always be whenever his step brother would come to his mind. But he had made a promise to himself. Despite his sometimes fragile appearance, life had made a very strong person of Kurt Hummel. He was a survivor.

A different sob took him out of his reverie, and he only had to turn his head to his left to find its source, even if it really surprised Kurt: Blaine was crying. In fact, he looked like he was trying not to, but the tears kept escaping his eyes, even when he kept erasing them from his face as soon as they fell with the tip of his fingers.

Kurt looked at him, surprised at the sudden emotion on his boyfriend's usually calm face, and it was then that he realized he hadn't seen Blaine cry once over Finn's death. He obviously had been affected, and sad, and solemn, but he hadn't shed a single tear in those three long weeks. Kurt could have kicked his own shin at the realisation. Had he been so absorbed in his own pain that he had failed to see something was not right with his boyfriend? Had Blaine purposely put his own pain aside to take care of Kurt's?

When another shaky sob escaped Blaine's throat, Kurt straightened his arm towards Blaine's lap and grabbed one of his hands lying there, immediately entwining their fingers together in an intimate act of comfort.

Blaine jumped almost imperceptibly at the unexpected contact, and he looked at Kurt with guilty eyes for a second before turning to look straight forward again, trying to avoid his gaze.

Suddenly Rachel's singing faded into the background for a moment as Kurt's attention focused on his boyfriend. Blaine's face was a mask of pain and sorrow, and Kurt knew he wasn't openly sobbing only because he was making a big effort not to. Kurt could tell Blaine was purposely avoiding his gaze, and he couldn't understand the guilt he had seen in his eyes the second their gazes had met.

Something was not right, Kurt could feel it, and he had to discover what.

"Sweetie?" Kurt asked once the song ended and everybody started standing up to hug Rachel or to leave the room. "Would you spend the night with me tonight? I don't feel like being alone after so many emotions" Kurt asked him, knowing it was the best way of getting Blaine to do it. If he thought he was going to help Kurt he would come much more gladly than if he knew it was the other way around.

"Of course, whatever you need" Blaine answered with a sad smile, even when he seemed to carry all the weight of the world on his shoulders, so Kurt hurried to keep up with him and entwine their fingers together again, holding Blaine's hand in his own strongly.

* * *

The car journey was quite a silent affair. While Kurt drove, Blaine contented himself with looking through the window, though Kurt pretty much doubted he was admiring the landscape. His look was probably lost in the horizon as a million thoughts raced through his head. The sadness emanating from him was so immense that Kurt almost felt like he could touch it.

"You okay?" Although Kurt had decided not to ask him until they were home, he couldn't help it, while one of his hands he let go of the steering wheel for a moment to rest lovingly on Blaine's thigh.

"Sure" Blaine answered, turning to look at his boyfriend for a second with a smile on his lips that didn't reach his eyes, before moving his head towards the window again.

Kurt squeezed his thigh adoringly once more before firmly grabbing the steering wheel again with his two hands. He knew Blaine was far from okay. He could feel it in every fibre of his boyfriend's tense body. But he wanted –needed– to confront him until he made sure Blaine let out all that was inside of him, and for that to happen –knowing how stubborn his partner could be– he needed to focus all his attention on him, and not on the road. He would wait until they were safe and secure at home. But then there would be no way out of it.

* * *

Carol and Burt were not surprised to see Blaine that night, knowing what had been going on at the Glee Club. They didn't even insisted when the teenagers refused any supper and hid away on Kurt's room, trying to shield themselves from a world that had hurt them so cruelly.

"Do you want to watch a movie or something?" Blaine asked once they closed the door behind them.

"What do you want to do?" Kurt asked, realising once again how Blaine was putting Kurt's needs and wishes over his own.

"Whatever you want to do is fine" Blaine answered, making Kurt sigh.

"Then I just want to lie in bed with you" Kurt replied, sitting on the bed and patting the spot on his side to invite Blaine to accompany him, to which he immediately complied.

They lay side by side for a few moments, facing each other, and Kurt could tell Blaine was still feeling shaken, so he straightened his arm to caress the hair on the side of his boyfriend's head, playing with a stray curl and resting it behind his ear.

"You seemed… very upset today" Kurt began, not really sure how to break the ice.

"Well… Rachel just…" Blaine answered, trying to play down the importance of it. "I couldn't help it"

"And you had no reason to. You didn't do anything wrong" Kurt reassured him.

"Why are you bringing it out then?" Blaine asked, slightly irritated.

"Because I can see something's not right with you" Kurt confessed, knowing there was no sense in beating about the bush. "I worry about you"

"You have no reason to, I'm alright" Blaine insisted. "You don't need to worry about me"

"Nobody's been there for you all this time, right?" Kurt asked, suddenly understanding.

"What do you mean?"

"Not the guys on the glee club, who were grieving too. Not your family, if I know them enough. Not me, right?"

"I don't know what you're talking about" Blaine felt trapped, so he turned on his back just to avoid Kurt's knowing glance.

"Is that why you haven't cried once?" Kurt softly asked, tracing invisible paths on Blaine's shoulder with his fingers, hoping he wasn't sounding too accusatory when Blaine was so clearly uncomfortable with their conversation,

"I have" Blaine denied, trying to sound surprised at Kurt's words.

"No, you haven't" Kurt simply answered, with no trace of reproach on his voice. "I've cried in your arms I don't know how many times these past few weeks and I now realise not once did I ever see a tear on your face"

"Of course I cried, you just don't remember"

"Blaine, I remember every single second since Finn died, you can be sure of that. And I know you hadn't cried for him until tonight. I'm not accusing you of anything, I just want to know why"

"Kurt, you're being ridiculous. I guess I'm just… not as sensitive as you are"

"Please, Blaine, don't pretend I don't know just how sensitive and emotional and compassionate you are. I know you inside out, remember?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Blaine asked, obviously on the defensive.

"That in other circumstances I know you would have cried rivers over someone so close"

"Okay, so where is this going to?" Blaine asked, clearly annoyed, as he sat up, facing Kurt, so he wouldn't feel so defenceless. "Are you disappointed in me because I didn't cry as much as you expected me to?"

"Of course not!" Kurt sat up too and he quickly brought his hand to Blaine's thigh in an attempt of a truce. "I'm just surprised. It's not that you didn't cry enough, it's the fact you didn't at all"

"Look, I'm getting the idea you're blaming me for something and I don't feel like fighting tonight, so…" Blaine didn't even finish his sentence as he turned around with the intention of standing and leaving, but Kurt gently grabbed his wrist to stop him.

"No, Blaine. I'm not blaming you for anything. In fact, I'm… thanking you"

"For what?" Blaine's face turned to him again, annoyance leaving room to surprise in his eyes.

"I know what you did. You thought you needed to be strong for me and you did, even if you were dying inside, which I know you were. And you still are"

"No, Kurt, it's not…" Blaine tried to deny it, but Kurt didn't let him finish.

"Blaine, stop this. It's amazing how… You are amazing. But now you need to stop it" Kurt pleaded.

"Kurt…" Blaine insisted, his face down and his voice only a murmur.

"Stop it" Kurt pleaded again, more forcefully.

"You needed me" Blaine explained, defeated, and Kurt sighed in relief that he had started breaking Blaine's pretence.

"I know. And I'm so thankful and glad you were there for me in every step of the way. But now that I'm alright, I realize I should have been there for you too so you didn't feel the need to neglect your own feelings to be strong for me, and I'm sorry"

"No, please, Kurt" Blaine shook his head, sadly. "Don't be. I had to be strong for you, you needed me"

"As you did me"

"It's not the same"

"Why not?"

"He was your brother" Blaine answered, as if that would explain everything.

"I know. But he was your brother-in-law and one of your best friends too. And I know how much you appreciated him" Kurt explained, trying to convince him that it was alright for him to grieve too.

"Of course I did, but it was worse for you"

"That doesn't mean you didn't have the right to mourn your own loss! Look how devastated all the other members on the Glee club were and they weren't as close to Finn as you were! You've spent thanksgivings, Christmases, summer holidays with him… You had dinner and movie sessions at our home every Friday, even when I was in New York, for God's sake! And with him being on charge of New Directions, in those last few months you were closer to him than even me"

For a moment Blaine felt like he couldn't talk. He felt like he had failed Kurt. All he had wanted, all he had tried was to be strong for him, to be a shoulder to cry on for his boyfriend while he got over something as hard as losing a brother. He should have been his rock; he had no right to claim the pain of Finn's loss as his own. But he had finally broken down in front of Kurt. He had failed.

"It's okay, Blaine" Kurt assured him as he squeezed Blaine's forearm once again. "You can let it all out now"

All the emotion that Blaine had been trying to stop for three weeks now came out with rage all of a sudden. He buried his face in his hands and started sobbing uncontrollably, his upper body shaking with pain and sadness. Kurt felt glad he had broken his boyfriend's wall, but his heart went to him anyway and tenderly threw his arms around Blaine and brought him to his chest in an attempt of comfort.

"I'm sorry" Blaine whispered, his voice muffled against Kurt's shirt.

"Aw, Blaine" Kurt lamented, resting a light kiss on the top of Blaine's head. "You've got nothing to be sorry for"

"I wanted to be strong" Blaine quietly sobbed.

"You've been strong for too long, honey. Let me be here for you now"

"I miss him" Blaine confessed even quieter than before, as if ashamed of admitting his defeat, but he was only relieved when Kurt's arms squeezed him even more strongly. Maybe Kurt was not disappointed. Maybe Kurt was right and he also had the right to cry.

"I know you do" Kurt murmured against Blaine's hair, knowing there were no words to make Blaine feel better. He could only be there to hold him until the pain faded to become bearable, just as he was sure would happen many other times –and the other way around– for many months to come.

Kurt lay back down after a while, making sure to bring Blaine down with him to, letting him snuggle on his chest as Kurt's arms went strongly around him with a silent promise of not letting go of him until he was ready to face the world again.

"It's alright, love" Kurt whispered, his lips caressing Blaine's forehead as he spoke. "I've got you"


End file.
